The Perfect Poem? (part 1)

The right words at the right time in the right place. The challenge of funeral and memorial poems. Where do you start in the search for those well-written perfect words for your loved one? 

Welcome to my first blog in which I consider choosing the perfect poem, for the first time. 

Traditional is…tradition 

Sometimes, we can put pressure on ourselves to come up with something different. Yet, there is nothing wrong at all with going for readings that will be familiar. There is a genuine comfort in hearing words we know, that have comforted us before when we have lost a loved one. It is absolutely fine and dandy to turn to some well-known words of comfort. 

• Christina Rosetti’s ‘When I am dead my dearest’ or ‘Let me go’ 
• Mary Frye’s ‘Do not stand at my grave and weep’ 
• WH Auden’s ‘Funeral Blues’ – better known as ‘Stop all the Clocks’ 
• Henry Scott-Holland’s ‘Death is nothing at all’ 

Are just some of the ones most of us have heard before. Most of us need an opportunity to shed a tear and to collectively share our loss; the words of these poets provide perfect opportunities. 

I cannot read lines such as Frye’s “I am a thousand winds that blow” and “I am the diamond glints on snow” without getting a lump in my throat. There are more poems like these, ask your celebrant to help you find the right one for you and yours. 

Capturing the character of your loved one 

Alternatlively, you may well want to use the poems or other readings as an opportunity to bring a smile to mourners’ faces with poems that chime with the character and interests of the one you have lost. Something less formal, perhaps. 

It could be a poem with a symbolism mourners will be familiar with.  Many of us use the phrase ‘robins appear when a loved one is near’. So a poem featuring a robin brings a comforting tone, and Della Parry’s simple ‘Remembrance Robin’  is worthy of being heard at any ceremony, with its beautiful final lines: 

“Sometimes he lands on my windowsill 
And with a wink of his eye 
I know you’re with me still.” 

While dog lovers could easily be remembered with the list poem that frequently pops up on social media: ‘Everything I need to know I learned from my dog’  and its apt lines: 

“Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride… 
Never pretend to be something you’re not… 
If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.” 

For the Yorkshire tea drinkers among us, Michael Ashby‘s short pithy poem ‘A long cup of tea’ might be just your…cup of tea and ideal for someone to read who is a bit nervous or a grandchild perhaps: 

“Death is too negative for me 
So I’ll be popping off for a long cup of tea 
Do splash out on two bags in the pot 
And for my god’s sake keep the water hot.” 

Are these poems great literature? Not in the traditional sense. But can they touch us and connect us to our loving memories? Of course, and that’s why they absolutely have a place in a funeral if they fit the one who has passed. 

Same sentiment, more traditional 

However, you may want to capture the same memories, interests and characteristics of your loved one with readings of a more traditional tone. This is where your celebrant should be able to help you if a quick Google search doesn’t do the trick. For a more traditional tone, you would be hard pushed to beat Walter de la Mare’s take on the robin featured in his poem ‘Winter’. 

Winter 

Clouded with snow 
The cold winds blow, 
And shrill on leafless bough 
The robin within its burning breast 
Alone sings now. 
The rayless sun, 
Day’s journey done, 
Sheds its last ebbing light 
On fields in leagues of beauty spread 
Unearthly white. 
Thick draws the dark, 
And spark by spark, 
The frost-fires kindle, and soon 
Over that sea of frozen foam 
Floats the white moon.” 

If your loved one is a dog lover and you don’t fancy a modern take on their passion for pups, you could turn to Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Four Feet’ for example, with its final lines: 

“Now I must go by some other round, 
Which I shall never find 
Somewhere that does not carry the sound 
Of four feet trotting behind.” 

There are no rules. Trust your instinct. If a more traditional, old-fashioned style suits them, then go for that. Ask your celebrant to lend a hand. They might well have the perfect choice in their library. 

Scribble your own 

Sometimes, the right words just cannot be found despite our best searches. This is, of course, a wonderful opportunity to pen something yourselves. Perhaps a member of the family has a great way with words or one of you has the confidence to adapt a poem you know already to make it fit. (Yes, that is allowed. I would credit the original poet or writer in the Order of Service or in introducing the poem.) Anyone really can be a poet – it is capturing the right words, putting them in the order that is right for you and your loved one, and trusting yourself. It doesn’t need fancy words and complicated ideas. 

My husband and I took the adapting route for one of our wedding poems so my then 10-year old stepson could confidently give a reading and play his part (complete in his kilt with mock Sgian Dhu – my husband’s family have Scottish blood!). Knowing us, we will use the same poem again for one or both of our funerals! We rewrote stand-up comedian and poet, Hovis Presley’s ‘I rely on you’. The original begins: 

“I rely on you 
Like a Skoda needs suspension 
Like the aged need a pension 
Like a trampoline needs tension 
Like a bungee jump needs apprehension” 

Our wedding version fitted our family, with verses such as: 

“I rely on you 
Like a handyman needs pliers 
Like a salesman needs some buyers 
Like a bow needs a fiddle 
Like a little boy needs a piddle” 

I suspect my funeral version might start something like this: 

“I relied on you 
Like a biker needs her wheels 
Like a baby bird needs its meals 
Like a memory needs a reminder 
Like a lost key needs a finder” 

In fact, the easiest adaptation of the original would be to change it from the present tense “I rely on you” to the past tense “I relied on you.” 

Does your poem have to rhyme? As every good English teacher should have assured you years ago…no it does not. This takes great pressure off anyone writing their own poem for their loved one’s funeral. Take comedian and poet, Sean Hughes’ poem ‘Death’ 

“I want to be cremated 
I know how boring funerals can be 
I want people to gather 
Meet new people 
Have a laugh, a dance, meet a loved one. 
I want people to have free drink all night. 
I want people to patch together half truths.” 

He spoke from his heart, in his own style. Little did he know when he wrote it in 2014 it would be needed just three short years later. 

Grandma remembered 

My grandma, Ida Morris, was in many ways a simple woman. She left school as soon as she could to work as a seamstress. Felt herself fortunate to marry the miner, Tom Staples. Sadly lost her first son to a childhood illness, but her son Peter went on to be a teacher and she was perfectly proud of him although she never said the words.  

We could easily have chosen a poem that captured the spirit of her life as wife, mother, grandmother. But dad saw her funeral as an opportunity to lift her high, remembering her with the fine high words of William Shakespeare’s poem from within the play ‘Cymbeline’. I will forver remember the power of watching my father turn to face grandma’s tiny coffin and recite the lines. ‘Fear no more the heat o’ the sun’. 

You may well remember its opening lines: 

“Fear no more the heat o’ the sun, 
Nor the furious winter’s rages: 
Thou thy worldly task hast done. 

Home art gone, and ta’en thy wages: 
Golden lads and girls all must, 
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust.” 

And its powerful final lines: 

“Nothing ill come near thee! 
Quiet consummation have; 
And renowned be thy grave.” 

That June in 1995, we did not dwell on the ordinary but rather using Shakespeare’s words we recognised her powerful indominatable spirit that had emerged when she had been widowed. She might only have been four foot six, but she found her confidence and commanded the world around her. 

Twenty-one years later I would be putting together dad’s funeral. Now the readings we (he and I) chose for his last great production are worthy of their own blog. So, that will be an exploration for another time along with how we can plan in advance for the funeral of a loved one with them. Or indeed how we can plan our own. 

Let’s round it up 

• Follow your heart – you will know when you find the right words 
• Use your celebrant – they will have a stash of readings to hand and they can help you find what you want 
• Feel free to choose the style and tone that suits you and your loved one – traditional, humorous, chatty, short and pithy, long and romantic. 
• Consider writing your own poem or adapting an existing one. 
• It doesn’t have to rhyme…in fact…readings don’t have to be poems at all…but that’s another blog post. 

Found this useful? Feel free to leave a comment and share a poem you felt was just right for a funeral you attended.