Direct cremation solves a significant financial burden for families. Not to be sniffed at when so many other costs are soaring, and families are struggling now more than ever.
There are other reasons why you might choose direct cremation: some loved ones, regardless of cost, stipulate that they want a direct cremation for personal reasons. For geographical reasons, it might make more sense to have an unattended direct cremation near to where your loved one has died. Some families simply cannot face having a funeral. But do direct cremations without the ritual of a funeral put the grieving process at risk? And are there other ways of allowing the important process of mourning to begin?
If you are choosing direct cremation just because of cost, see the section comparing prices across funeral directors further down. You might have more choice than you realise if in your heart of hearts it’s a funeral that you want.
Grieving is a crucial part of loss
As much as death is part of life, grief is part of loss. If we have loved someone or worse, despised someone who was a key part of our lives, it is inevitable that we will be affected by their death. We simply cannot escape grief. In fact, trying to ignore it, duck it, turn our back on it, will lead to issues later that we might not even realise stem from the grief we have not faced.
However, grieving should not be a lonely process. Wherever we look across the world or back in time, grief is traditionally shared.
The ritual of sharing the grief, coming together to mourn is more than a tradition, it is a crucial part of the human psychological process of learning to live with the loss.
That’s not to say that by having a funeral ceremony we have done enough to sort out grief. Far from it, but we have started a process, we have publicly and collectively acknowledged our loss. It is so common to hear families talk about how the grieving moves on to a different level after the funeral.
So does that mean direct cremation robs us of this vital rite of passage? Not necessarily.
The Middle Ground – Memorial Events
There is a middle ground to consider. Choose the direct cremation for the necessary process of ensuring your loved one’s physical remains are appropriately and respectfully managed. But then choose a memorial event to provide that opportunity to collectively start the process of grieving, to take the opportunity to pay your last respects in the company of those who cared. That doesn’t mean you need the physical body of your loved one but you do need the collective support and care of those who were bothered about them and are bothered about you.
You have so many options available to you that could cost you next to nothing through to the price of a good party.
In its most simple form, you might simply gather in a pub and raise a glass to your loved one and chat with those who also have memories of their life. Perhaps that might be enough.
However, you could also think about something a bit more formal, something that is more of a ritual, or something that is more of an event. And it still definitely does not need to be expensive. You could use a celebrant to help with this but you don’t have to.
Memorial Possibilities
You can gather wherever suits you and your pocket. Just a few examples and ideas are listed to the side. You might have the more formal part in one place and then move somewhere else for the informal wake/reception or you could roll it all together. Or you could link the memorial with the scattering or internment of your loved one’s ashes.
A family member or friend could lead proceedings or you could ask a celebrant (yep, that would be me, for example) to organise the more formal part of the proceedings and weave together the elements you want and need to create the rite of passage that acknowledges your loved one’s passing, celebrates their unique life, and shows respect to all that they brought into your world. That makes their memories sparkle.
The ideas below could, of course, weave their way into a funeral service not just a memorial event. But we’ll save the fullness of different ways of holding a funeral for a different blog.
So, to capture your loved one in a memorial celebration of life can vary enormously. It might include some traditional elements – a eulogy/tributes read by one person or many, poetry/a reading, music, a slideshow. But you don’t need all or even any of those elements. The world is your oyster and the only limits are your imagination (or that of your celebrant if you use one).
You might take an approach where anyone can stand up and share a memory or declare what the deceased meant to them (we did this at my Quaker great aunt’s ceremony); you might take time to write messages or letters to the loved one that you might ceremoniously set fire to and release to the wind or scatter with their ashes; you might be lucky enough to have musicians in your midst who can celebrate your loved one’s life with live music that perhaps everyone can join in with; or perhaps there are dancers who can express the emotion of proceedings in creative ways or indeed perhaps enough of those gathered could lead a dance – line dancing, for example.
My dad loved Bladerunner, and we showed a clip of the film with his favourite quote as part of his service. You could collectively watch a whole film or TV programme that meant the world to your loved one – some cinemas will allow you to hire a screen – nothing to stop you holding your memorial there. Maybe they were a bingo lover and weaving together the significant dates in their life with a bingo game, you could collectively work to a joint cry of ‘house’. Alternatively was your loved one a creative/crafting character and their memorial will lead to a joint creation of a piece of artwork or individual items that can be exchanged and taken away in their memory.
I am not a fan of releasing balloons for their impact on the environment but releasing doves (actually white homing pigeons) might be a more eco-friendly alternative. Planting trees or even a whole garden might mark their life in a way that was right for them, and a creative celebrant could help you create a service linked to the shared activity. Those with a love of sports could be celebrated with a group game/activity – anything from ten-pin bowling to cricket, with added elements to commemorate your loved one’s life. Perhaps even raising money as you go.
So do direct cremations rob us of the opportunity to have a shared event to celebrate our loved one’s lives? Certainly not. Instead, we can turn them into wonderful opportunities to commemorate them in creative, personal, and alternative ways or in traditional and formal memorials. Your loved one, your choice.
If you want help in pulling together this special memorial, get in touch. I am here to help ensure the celebration of your loved one’s life sparkles with their character and memories. If you live further away than South Yorkshire and surrounding counties, I can probably put you in touch with a more local celebrant who would be delighted to work with you on creating a meaningful memorial.
Cost of direct cremation v least expensive attended funerals
Funeral directors have to display their prices on their websites but read the small print and ask questions to find out more. If you are choosing direct cremation simply because of cost, you might be able to afford an attended funeral instead. (And we can be as equally traditional or creative in that ceremony too!)
When it comes to the lowest priced attended funerals at each funeral director’s they are not exactly the same. Things that can vary and you should query:
- Does it include the medical fee that has to be paid? (£82 typically)
- Can you visit your loved one in the chapel of rest as part of the fee?
- How far will they travel without additional costs to collect your loved one/to take them to the crematorium? These can range from 15 to 50 miles.
- Is the number of attendees limited?
- Will it be at a specific time?
- Is the length of service 20 minutes, 30 minutes or an hour?
- Is there an additional cost for an order of service?
- Does it include collection of the ashes?
So don’t be afraid to shop around and ask what the price includes. I work with several different funeral directors who charge varying amounts, and yet each and every one of them offers an excellent, caring and professional service. So, it pays to look at the detail – what do you really want and need from your funeral director? Try to compare like with like. Don’t just assume that just because the cost is higher that more is included and don’t expect that the cheapest includes the least. Ask!
How on earth can you face doing this research when you are reeling with the agony of losing a loved one? I don’t think many of us could face doing this comparison at that point in time. So, it makes good sense to get a feel for things ahead of ever needing their services for yourself or a loved one; or turn to a really reliable friend who can do the leg work for you…or rather the clicking and calling for you. Especially if price is really going to matter. And for most families right now, it does.
